I suffer every year at this time as many adoptees and foster care kids do. We are just a couple days away from Christmas day, a day where families gather, laugh, exchange gifts, profess love and forgiveness.
This song I placed above, "Oh Holy Night" by Christina Aguilera kills me every season. I don't know exactly what it is, but I can promise you the minute the song comes on I am in tears wherever I am. I remember back in the days I worked at Sams Club; I was a merchandiser for a brief period. During the holidays I had to assemble Christmas trees, nativity sets, and inflate snowmen. Down the aisle we had Christmas music playing, and what do you know, Oh Holy Night played like a broken record. I would cry every time. I mean, thank God I went to work at 4am; therefore, there weren't any customers in the building. When no one was around, I would torture myself by walking up the couple aisles and imagine what Christmas would be like if I would have stayed in New York with my biological family. I would sometimes stare at the nativity sets and look at Baby Jesus laying in the manger. Don't think I am crazy, but sometimes I kinda felt like I was Baby Jesus in the manger in my mind. Even though Jesus was not alone in the manger, I felt like I was abandoned and left in the manger and people were just looking at me. Nativity sets really get to me. I cannot look at one without breaking down. My adoptive mom used to collect them. I hated them! It hurts me to see all those figurines surrounded around Baby Jesus. It reminded me of family. Family that I did not have at the time (I am working on it right now). But this song reminds me of the importance of being born. I wonder what my mom thought when I was born. Was it a time of sadness or was it something divine. Were the stars shining bright? Or was the sky dark? I wonder what God was thinking of my mom (I begin to cry). All I can think is "how could she...". How could she just leave me without even knowing if I was going to be okay. It hurts. Births are a day of celebration, and here I am a baby without a chance to show my mom what I could have been if only she gave me a chance to be someone great.
As much as it hurts to think of my biological family and my adoption, this year I am comforted by God's peace. Since March I have been focusing on God, my life, my goals, my future, and creating peace through the circumstances I cannot change. God, my Father, the Man that never left me has freed me from my past and pain. I said things would be different this year for myself, a vow I made to myself. I am determined to not let anyone or anything steal my God-given joy! So come on Satan come on! The devil is a liar. I am about to show the world what family, peace, and life is all about through my story.
O Holy Night, Lord I thank you tonight and every night. Jesus, I thank you for dying on the cross for us. We are not perfect, yet you still love us and fight for us. Lord I thank you for being my family when no one was there for me. Lord, I thank you for sending people in my life when I had no place to stay, no food to eat, no clothes. Lord, you know my desires my dreams, I pray in Jesus name you will restore my family, that the anger will cease. Lord I ask in Jesus name that 2012 families will reunite! But most of all, Lord I pray that your healing power heal the hearts of adoptees and fostered youth and adults, that they will find peace and be healed. Lord we trust the struggle you placed on us is for a greater purpose.
Father, before I go, I thank you for increasing my faith when I wanted to quit and end it all. Your timing is the perfect timing. I thank you for knowing me and keeping me safe from the streets. I love you Jesus!!
Love your daughter,
Jessenia "Muzik" Arias
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Merry Christmas Eve