I purposed the question "What Do You Hate About Adoption?" on my Facebook, Twitter, and Which Way Is Home page today for prospective adoptive families and those that research the effects of adoption to gain a better understand on how adoptees feel.
Below are the responses from adoptees of all demographics:
1. It causes insanity in the adoptee. It causes traumatic separation anxiety at birth which affects the entire nervous system ...then develops into a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And because it takes so long for an adoptee to realize the true causes of their anxiety and depression...Nancy Verrier (author of Primal Wound) says that adoptees she works with come to realize this at 30 years of age...by then it's almost too late.
2. All the lies and secrets
3. Because I am forever treated like a child in the eyes of the law.
4. Because people repeatedly feel that is it okay to invalidate my experiences because they know someone else that is adopted.
5. Because I am treated like a criminal for wanting the truth about my origins.
6. Because people feel that raising a child means owning a child.
7. Because it took me 23 years to come out of Stockholm Syndrome.
8. It robbed me of knowing my sisters.
9. I could not do a biological genealogy until I was 63 years old.
10. It is a convenient way for those that have position of control to be deceptive for their own personal gain.
11. I am my birth mom's dirty little secret.
12. Shame, grief, and health problems.
13. I had to waste 40 years of my life searching for my biological mother and father
14. Because it is me against the world. The pain never goes away.
15. It's not fair rather seriously, the pain never goes away.
16. It's traumatic.
17. It left me with a hole inside and searching for faces in crowds.
18. Money is the primary goal of adoption, not the best interest of the child.
19. Because I don't trust people or allow them to love me.
20. Trauma from adoption made me lost my brother.
21. Lies and secrets.
22. I was neglected by the family that adopted me.
23. It is all about the money. How could you put a price on a child?
24. Closed adoption forces you to live a life full of secrecy and lies. After finding my birth mother, I found that some of the things I was told were lies. She isn't college educated or made honors in high school. She was a high school drop out with little education.
25. Agencies lies about the birth family to make the sale item, the adoptee, look better.
26. You don't always bond with your adoptive family.
27. Adoption has no guarantee that the family that adopts you will be better, sometimes just different.
28. Lies, secrecy, hurt.
29. I dislike not knowing who I am my whole life.
30. One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is just isn't the same...regardless how much I am loved or love; even in a room of others "like me"; even after finding getting to know, and like/loving family of origin ...always the other...making piece is a daily chore.
31. I was never accepted by my siblings. They made me feel like an outcast.
32. The way people will stare in the store because I did not look like my family.
33. As an adoption social worker, I hate adoption because it is not he solution it is portrayed to be. It is not perfect. The social workers, the lawyers, the judges, and the families are not perfect. The child's well being in the adoptive home is not guaranteed. It does not understand time. The time the child had with their first family, and as their first self, is erased; the time they spend with their adoptive family is unclear; and the time they have lost is gone forever.
34. I hate adoption because it makes the child a $$$ sign.
35. I hate adoption because it is unfair. I did not have a say in my adoption. I did not understand my adoption. My childhood, my adolescence, my young adulthood, everything about my life is the way it is BECAUSE I was adopted.
36. My fate was controlled by circumstances before I was born and decision made by people who did not know me.
37. I hate adoption because it prohibits me from having answers.
38. It deprives me of my full identity.
39. It conceals the truth.
40. It leaves me forever unsettled, forever wondering "what-if", and forever feeling incomplete.
41. Each step of the way causes joy and happiness and also pain. The termination of parental rights, the finalization of the adoption, the search for the biological family, the finding or inability to find, the reunion, and the future. Each step hurts hurts someone and makes someone unhappy.
42. I hate adoption because it is bittersweet.
43. The most hurt and pain I have experienced in my 37 years of life have to do with being adopted and my adoption journey. I dislike adoption because my right to know my background and who I am was just taken from me. A lifetime of not knowing who I was, or where I came from caused me a huge amount of pain over the years. Just now at 37 years old I am able to begin to start to know myself, because my puzzle is finally complete.
44. What about the adoptees that never find their biological family? With closed adoptions, I think things are so different than they are with open/semi open adoptions.
45. I acted out as a teenager something horrible because I was in so much pain and had no one to talk too. I never had a sense of who I was, and I was never going too until I found my roots.
46. I began my search at 21 when my adopted parents told me they knew my birth mothers name. I fantasized my whole life about my birth mother, and had high hopes that she would be searching for me like I was her. It has caused me heart wrenching pain since I found her, because she rejected me to the fullest. I was not prepared for this or the feelings to go along with it.
47. I realize that many birth mothers might not understand, and maybe even some other adoptee’s but I wish I was never adopted. If there was anything I could change about my life that would be it.
48. I dislike adoption. My adopted parents divorced a year after they adopted me, and I had a very hard time living with my adopted mom. We never got along and still don’t. A step brother molested me as a child, and I grew up angry.
Did I say 10?
The purpose of the post was not created or written in a negative manner. It was created for educational purposes. To the bridge the gap of the misunderstanding that surrounds adoption. Due to laws in place, adoptees in closed adoptions do not have a right to their identity, the truth, the past, medical history that can save their life, etc. due to closed adoption. Prospective adoptive parents should take a course learning about the needs of adoptees. The only way we will begin to ever be satisfied is when we have a voice . Adoption gives everyone a voice except the most important person....ME, the adoptee.
Thank you to everyone that submitted their comments! Keep rocking rock stars!
P.S If you would like to add to the list, please submit your response in the comment box and I will update the blog post with your comment.