As painful as adoption can be in many cases, I believe that God knew that my mom would need me some day. Her decision to adopt me was perfectly orchestrated by God.
(Read Part 1)
I was out of the country for a couple weeks, and upon my arrival back to the states May 2, 2012, I received a message of urgency that my mom was not well. I rushed to her house and found her in and out of consciousness. Immediately I called 911....
As I paced back and forth in the hospital hallways awaiting to hear if my mom would make it through the operation with a full recovery, all I could think about was my adoption. It struck a chord in me. While I was out of the country I made it a point to forget that I was adopted for at least two weeks, instead I came back to the states and my whole life was revolved around my position in adoption. My mom made it through the operation by the grace of God and the many prayers that you all sent up.
I laid at my mom's bedside day after day and night after night hoping she would hear my voice as I prayed for her and expressed how much I loved her and how strong she was. Watching her throughout the day with tubes in her nose, her mouth, and her stomach brought tears to my eyes and soft whimpers through the night. All I could think is how could the woman that saved my life and gave me life leave me so soon. She had to live. I needed more time to thank her for my life and being such a strong woman. She is my strength. After a few days, she started waking up and being somewhat coherent, yet the only sounds that came out of her mouth were hums and mumbles. I would ask her if she knew who I was, but she could not remember. She would stare at me and close her eyes. Pain filled my heart and tears filled my eyes. The feeling of my mom not recognizing me had to be the most painful feeling in the world. All I could think of is how our future was going to be like. Would she ever remember me? I went numb for days from the world. I continued to stay with my mom day and night and try to get some work done, but I could not function to save my life. The only thing I wanted to do was be at her side. After a few days, she began to speak. She kept saying, "Ramon...Ramon". That is my dad's name; he is deceased. I could tell she wanted to be with him. It hurt my soul because he saved her from her abusive family that she was adopted by. She wanted to go to heaven with him, but I needed her here with me.
When I first found her in and out consciousness, the only words she could mumble was "ayuda me Jessenia" (help me Jessenia in Spanish). She needed me and I thank God I was able to be there so she could see me and know that I would be there for her. As the days progressed and she began to speak more and more, she shared me that she thought she was going to die. It was true, the doctors did not think she was going to make it. She told me she was waiting on me to get back home. I was the reason she stayed alive. I held onto those words night after night crying in the hospital. To think SHE was waiting on ME?! Growing up I never thought I meant that much too her at times. This really validated it all for me. I knew she loved me, it was just hard for her to express it from the pain she has had to cope with.
As time passed in the hospital and she was walking again, I would walk with her as she held onto her walker up and down the hospital hallways. She would walk and stop and look at me and begin to walk again. When we made it back in the room, she sat up and told me she wanted to share something with me. I began to worry with what she was going to share. She put her head down and began to cry. Her whole body began to cry. The words she spoke were, "I never understood how it is that the child I did not give birth to is the closest to me than the children of my own blood. How could they not have the compassion and empathy that you have for me. Where did I go wrong?" In that moment, everything began to come into perspective about my purpose as an adoptee and my purpose in her life. God does everything for a reason. He has a perfect plan. I explained to her that I do not know why her own children she gave birth to were not empathetic and lacked compassion. I ensured her they loved her, but we are all different. I did not want her to feel bad about herself or fall into a depression. I shared with her how important it was for her to share her feelings with me and how much it meant to me. We talked throughout the night and for many nights sharing when she adopted me and how much I meant to her. She shared with me how I would always want to lay under her breast as a baby, and that was the only place that would comfort me. It was almost as a fast forward in time to where we are today as I rub her head and talk to her through the night to remind her how special she is and how much I love her. The exchange of love and roles is a powerful realization. I was left for days thinking about what she said to me. As people would visit and she slept, they would tell me that my mom has expressed to them before that if something would ever happen to her that she would hope that she could live with me because she could not live without me. Everyday I thought what my mom said and what people have shared with me. I never knew I meant that much to my mom. However, words can never explain how much it meant to my heart to know she loved me that much no matter what we have been through.
I close this sharing with you my heart and my thoughts through this time in my life. I share this hoping that those adoptees that are in conflict with your adoptive family find some peace in your life. I share this expressing that God has a purpose for each and every one of you all. I know it may hurt that your family abandoned you, but someone needed you. They needed your heart. Your passion. They needed a reason to live. YOU have provided HOPE to someone by coming into their lives. You are just that important. Never for a second forget who you are or how wonderful you are.
YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.
Free yourself from the hurt, the pain, the tears, the anger, the depression, the alcohol, the drugs, and any negative situation you have in your life. The world is waiting to be touched by your presence.
NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU.
Love always & forever,
Please feel free to share about your relationship with your adoptive family. I welcome your comments and words of inspiration.