Thursday, April 10, 2014

Jamie Foxx Moves His Birth Mother Into His Home in Hopes to Reconcile


Have you ever thought about moving your birth mother into your home? Famed singer-songwriter-actor, Jamie Foxx did. 

"We're trying to learn [about] each other," the actor told Britain's The Sunday Times. "The one thing I think is great is she's in the same house, because you realize certain things that you missed when you were growing up, like, 'Oh, I do that because of that,' or 'Oh, I do this because of this."

First let me say, where was I to not know that Jamie Foxx was adopted? Now that I have had coffee and my eyes are open, I am quite inspired by his decision to move his birth mother into his home. I would be lying if I said I never secretly thought about having my adoptive family and birth family all under one roof. I have fantasized about it countless times especially after my reunion with my birth family. It makes everything easier; it makes perfect sense. How else can one really make up for lost time and build a genuine mother and child relationship other than seeing each other every morning and night? It makes sense, right? 

My birth mother lives in Puerto Rico and I live in Japan, there is no way possible we can even build a relationship if we wanted to. Skype and FaceTime is marketed as a way to stay close and connected with loved ones, however, it still does not do justice in being able to hug your birth mother or get a taste of her cooking. I spent about three days with my birth mom when we reunited and that was it; it has been about two years since I have seen her. And as many of you know, those three days were spent in the ICU with my little brother. I never had the chance to ask the questions every adoptee wants to ask their birth mom or even spend time getting to know her. One thing I did see my birth mom and I had in common was our mannerisms. We almost mirror each other in everything we do. Seeing that made me want to see more about her. I was intrigued every since. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I would catch myself in the mirror fantasizing what my birth mother was like. As Foxx said, being an adoptee and raised by other folks, you want to find out why you do the little things you do and where they come from. As crazy as Foxx's decision to move in his birth mother sounds when I first heard of it in the news, I think I would like to try that some day even if it were for a summer. I want to know who she is, and I want to spend time with her. Deep in my heart, I want to feel if there is such a thing as a mother-daughter bond. My only fear is that too much time has passed to build such a bond. 

My question to all of you is, is it really possible to build or rebuild a relationship with your birth mother or biological child after being apart most if not all your life without living under the same roof? 



Would you ever move in your birth mother or move in with your birth mother? 




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11 What's your thoughts?:

  1. My mother would have loved it and tried to manipulate it. It was a nightmare, bad idea for my family but may work for some.

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    1. You and your birth mother tried to live together? If so, what made it become a nightmare?

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  2. The son I placed will be 12 next month so that possibility would be a long way off but I am a part of many groups where I've heard stories from other birthmoms, or as they like to be called now, first mothers or natural mothers. The term birth was coined by adoption professionals to relegate the natural mother to a biological function. Stories span a pretty wide spectrum and there is still so many myths in the adoption industry. I will say this: the bond from conception is real and infants don't even consider themselves individuals after birth for a long time. To an infant, mother and child are one. Separating that bond before an child is ready is devastating to a healthy development of their identity. It's no wonder that adoptees search for answers. The "Primal Wound" was published in 1993 and is now considered an industry standard for the trauma infants face when placed at birth. Had I know about this I would never have made the choice I did. It makes me sick to think about the scared young mother I was who had her bad choices used against her and what a fool I was to trust industry "experts" in the options for unplanned pregnancies. They knew I was capable of bad choices and used that guilt to manipulate me into making another bad choice for their own advantage. What about all the foster kids and legitimate orphans that are overlooked because the infertile couples want infants? What about the rest of the information other girls like me were denied? Like the rest of the story, the part about what the child would face as a result of that choice? I never heard anything from the view of the adoptee. I was made to believe I wasn't good enough and that I could redeem my irresponsible behavior by making an infertile couples dreams come true. That by giving my child to strangers I would someone be a better person, courageous and respectable again. They didn't tell me that my heart would break deeper every day for the rest of my life and that a hole would develop in my life that could never be filled with anything but a relationship with that child. Even my grief has been denied. I've been told I don't even have a right to my own pain, that I should be happy I did what was right, that he has a better life. All this does is confirm I am unworthy and strengthens my belief that am not good enough. Over a decade later I still struggle with this belief. I doubt if I will be good enough for this relationship or that one, for this job or this hobby, etc etc etc. If I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat. I would give up every privilege and promotion, every success or achievement and I would speak identity into my younger self. I would tell her to be strong and believe in herself. I would encourage her to believe that the best thing for her child is the mother that brought it into the world.

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    1. Hi Ariel, thank you for sharing this with us. I can only imagine how you feel. Every point you made was valid and real. I read (did not complete) Primal Wound. In the very beginning it speaks about the bond and the loss and trauma of a child being separated from their mom. It is sad that adoption agencies are in business to separate mothers and children rather than find mentors and resources to keep families together. It is unfortunate that it is a business in business. The exploitation is heart breaking.

      Keep being a voice Ariel! I mean that from my heart. I am not a mother, however, I helped raised two my sisters children while I was in school, cheerleader, and worked full-time. It was tough! I cried! But I made it happen. We all can. That is what mothers or prospective mothers need to know.

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  3. Ariel,wow......i am an adoptee and also a birth mother.....ive been on both sides of the fence.....i wanted to say i made the choice to give up my children and i too think about them everyday...my adopted parents are awesome and i would like to shar what they told me......you totally have a right to grieve......the child is yours and for whatever reason you chose adoption you are still the mother....so dont hide your pain.......i cry sometimes although in my situation i still believe giving my children for adoption was the best choice......but tjat doesnt stop my pain....your story was truly inspiring........i also wanted to say i make a card each year for my kids birthdays and write letters of love and whats going on in my life and keep tjem in a box so one day if they decide to come looking for me theyll know tjat i never forgot them and that they are always close to my heart!! Even if they never come looking it makes me feel better! You are in my prayers

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    1. I love your advice Maria. That is exactly what I tell natural mothers to do. It is healing on both ends. As an adoptee, it would prove to me that my mom HAS CARED all along.

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  4. Sadly, my birthmother died at a young age. I am in touch with the rest of my extended family and love them dearly (and I love my afamily too :))

    At present, I have no wish to live with anyone lol. However, I've been told that my bmother was a loving caring woman and she does sound like someone I'd like to have spent time with (although I have no idea whether she would have felt the same way).

    From what I've heard from others, it can be hard to build that relationship. The modern Western form of adoption was originally designed to replace one family wih another and thus to obliterate the orginal relationships so that the child and their new parents could attach by default (it has always struck me as a lack of trust in the natural attachment a child often ends up having with the people who are raising them). Thus one has to overcome the expectations of our adoptions.

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  5. It would never work for me and my daughter. There is far to much anger in her for us to even remotely come together like that. It would be a disaster. We have never been alone together and she has no desire to try to have a real relationship.

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  6. No....I wouldn't , because it would be too weird for me. Even if she decide to come back in my life i wouldn't let her in.

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  7. I believe bonds are built by experiences together. I was fortunate enough to find my birth mother and have spent a lot of time with her. We get along great and I truly enjoy being with her. Our bond was not instant or even overnight. We have had to build a bond by sharing moments together, confiding in one another and keeping in touch. We live in different states but we stay in contact and visit often. I think it's rare to have that storybook ending we all look for but I think I am as close as I can be to it and it has taken years and a lot of understanding, patience, and compassion. Thanks for posting this story, Jessenia!

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